| As the Crimbo seasoned dawned again, a miraculous sign appeared in the sky over Loathing: a third moon! Adventurers were sure that it was a good omen, indicating that all was well in Crimbo Town, and that they could finally have a normal Crimbo without excessive mayhem or piles of pop-culture references.|
Sadly, a few amateur astronomers spoiled those good vibes, and pointed out that the 'moon' was, in fact, a space station! Then, just as everyone was groaning over that obvious cliche, professional astronomers with better telescopes observed that it was, in fact, our old friend the Sinister Dodecahedron, and it was on a collision course with the Kingdom.
Once again, owing to the complex interplay of science and narrative inevitability, the ship crash-landed in the Big Mountains on the very day that Crimbo Town once more emerged from the mists of time. The ship crashed into Crimbo Town, and a small invading force began busily assimilating the elven workforce. Uncle Crimbo, ever brave and dashing in the face of danger, barricaded himself in his mobile home and once more begged adventurers to do his dirty work for him.
Adventurers who crept into the Sinster Dodecahedron found an odd and ungainly weapon: a death ray in a pear tree. After defeating the death ray, it self-destructed and the ship powered down for the night. That evening, a mixture of apprehension, tentative relief, and pattern detection swept through the adventurers of Loathing. Those who thought they knew what the cyborgs were up to were vindicated the next day, when they had to defeat two turtle mechs, and then a death ray in a pear tree, before they could explore the ship further.
After that, more cyborg monstrosities appeared every day, and exploration of the Sinister Dodecahedron got weirder and weirder. The ship was your basic sci-fi, bio-organic, gray-black pile of ick when it landed, but over the days leading up to Crimbo, it became more and more festive. Adventurers encountered cyborgs wrapping presents, hanging ornaments on trees, and even (unfortunately) kissing unsuspecting adventurers under the mistletoe. Clearly, the magic of Crimbo was having an unforseen effect on the cyborgs.
Two days before Crimbo, adventurers encountered their old pal Rudolph the Red, who had undergone a hideous transformation. From the shoulders up, he was still a reindeer, but below that was nothing but a snaking nest of wires and conduits that plugged into a humanoid suit. He referred to himself as Rudolfus of Crimborg, and cryptically said, "he's back, you see. I always knew he would come back," before disappearing into the bowels of the ship.
The overall effect was familiar only to a specific flavor of sci-fi nerd.
On Crimbo Eve, after arduously battling through twelve stompers stomping, eleven stranglers strangling, ten borgs a-beeping, nine lasers lancing, eight blades a-spinning, seven swarmers swarming, six robotic geese a-laying, five -- er, golden rings, four killing birds, three swiss hens, two turtle mechs, and a final death ray in a pear tree, adventurers were summoned into a hidden chamber by a sinister and merry voice.
Inside the chamber was a mysterious figure in a red rubber suit with white trim. He had a broad face, a little round belly, and a laser sight instead of one eye. Breathing noisily, he announced he wasn't your father, but he was, in fact, the reanimated Father Crimbo.
Yes, the cyborgs crashed their ship directly into Father Crimbo's gravesite. They exhumed him, fitted him with a new heart, and tried to assimilate him. But Crimbo magic is far stronger than even the most advanced technology, and Father Crimbo actually assimilated all of the cyborgs, turning them into the Crimborg. His plan was to overthrow Uncle Crimbo and reinstate Crimbo the way it used to be -- one present per adventurer, without any mayhem or fuss. He assured adventurers that it was too late to stop him, unless they pulled the lever right next to him and activated the ship's EMP.
At that point, in each parallel universe, each adventurer faced a monumental choice. Sure, the past few Crimbos had been fun, but they'd always brought their fair share of disappointment. Either there wasn't enough to see, or there was too much. There were always new items to be had, but there were also obvious retreads of the previous year's content. Besides, Uncle Crimbo was a belligerent, unprofessional, alcoholic jerk. Why not allow Father Crimbo to go through with his plan?
Thankfully for Uncle Crimbo, every single adventurer faced with that choice pulled the lever. It was an amazing show of support for Uncle Crimbo -- it was almost as if the choice didn't exist at all, the way everyone made the right choice. The ship's EMP fired, liquidating the nanobots that kept Father Crimbo alive and triggering the ship's self-destruct mechanism (an inexplicably mandatory part of all spaceship construction). The ship exploded in an impressive pyrotechnical display (which, unfortunately, lost something in its translation to all text), the elves returned to their former selves, and Uncle Crimbo was once again the undisputed monarch of the holiday.
Crimbo Day dawned bright and clear, and adventurers enjoyed an old-fashioned, handmade gift from Uncle Crimbo.
As Crimbo Town faded into the mists again, adventurers nestled all snug in their beds and dreamed of next year's strife-free crimbo. After all, what else could Uncle Crimbo do to screw up the holiday?
Part I : The Story Thus Far documentation home
Part II : The Elfretariat
Part III : The Halloween Incident
Part IV : Crimboween
Part V : Where in Time is Uncle Crimbo?
Part VI : Once You Go Blackstory, You Never Go Backstory
Part VII : A Polyhedral Harbinger
Part VIII : Rise of the Crimborg
Part VIIII : A Black and White Crimbo
Part X : One More Indecent Accident
Part XI : Of CRIMBCO and Hobos
Part XII : I Want Candy
Part XIII : Dreaming of a KAWAIIII Crimbo
Part XIV : Cyborg Bears? Sure Why Not
Part XV : Factory Complexities
Part XVI : A Tale of Two Things That Happened